Brutal Reality Of Being Ugly

 

he looks fine

This was kind of an interesting theme and video reference, about this subject, posted by Mike Israetel, one of those weightlifting / coaching information channel guys.  It wouldn't make much sense to just convey what he said, but I'll start with that, and add some related thoughts that this brought to mind.  His Youtube post is here.   

The first half of the video is about how there is an opposite side to "pretty privilege," that ugly people live out a different kind of reality.  That sounds right.  It sounds like an awkward thing to consider or discuss at length, but in a sense that makes it interesting.

He claimed to have lived out this reality, as a 1 or 2 out of 10, on that number scale that people sometimes reference.  That's probably not right; he probably was always a 3 or a 4, and it's probably ingenuine for him to describe what the ugliest people out there experience.  Which was all what you'd expect, that it limits your success in making friends, of course in dating, and it affects others' perceptions of you related to employment, general trustworthiness, and so on.  That's probably right.

It takes a long time in the video but he goes on to say that today people can change their diet and exercise inputs, and get cosmetic surgery, and change their lot related to all of this.  Of course that works better for adults; for children they're just not going to get that surgery, and it would be hard to address most aesthetic issues through exercise.  It seems like his general point was to convey to others who feel they experienced this that they're not alone, which is kind of already obvious, but hearing someone talking through how it works might be positive.

My own take and past experiences

On to my own take on this.  I look ok, maybe above average, so I won't be saying that I endured the same thing.  I was quite short at one point in my childhood development, in part related to starting school a year ahead of others, and that surely was a challenge.  It affected how I experienced social connections, and probably shaped who I was then, and later became, to some extent.  But I don't want to overextend that parallel; I don't think it was a close match.  I didn't develop self-confidence issues but I also never learned to take appearance seriously, because for a long time I was well behind the curve.

Two separate co-workers described their experiences to me in being overweight all of their childhood, and then later losing that weight, and when I knew them looking like anyone else, who is relatively healthy.  They described it as a sort of imposter syndrome, that it stayed with them as a self-image, even though it no longer applied.  I don't think they could unpack for me how what Mike was talking about was a factor for them, but I think both were very overweight, so they were probably regarded as negative in appearance.

It's interesting that they would share this, isn't it, and that I would have this experience twice?  My mother always had something about her character that caused other people to come to her and share their life experience, in part related to having her help sort out problems, and in part just because she made a good confident.  Maybe part of that applies to me as well.  I didn't have anything to tell them to help place those feelings.  They both looked fine; I could re-affirm that.  I personally had nothing against them related to that past, and probably would have accepted them well enough as overweight, so I could add that.  I think they were just sharing it because they could though, not because I could add something to the experience, or validate them.

A little more directly, this theme reminds me of growing up in a "gifted class" circle of friends in grade school and high school.  In junior high, our version of middle school, two of the kids in that group fell into the role of outsiders, in part related to their appearance.  They were good kids; it wasn't about that.  One looked a good bit like the lead singer of Blues Traveler, a bit big, and just odd, and the other girl sort of paralleled that.  We sort of accepted them, and sort of didn't.  It's something I've felt some weight over, as years have passed.

that Blue's Traveler singer, John Popper, looks fine; it's funny how weight changes an impression

Why is that?  I wasn't particularly self-aware, as a child, but I was a decent person.  Looking back there isn't much I did that I regret, but to the extent that I might have made someone else feel uncomfortable over a long period of time seems regrettable.  My kids bringing up the subject of bullying reminds me of this.  I never bullied them, or made fun of them.  If anything I was the main point of social connection for the one girl, who obviously had a crush on me.  But my acceptance was limited; they weren't friends with me, in the same way the rest of that circle was.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  And that's a main part of the experience of looking back on it now; I just don't know how to place it.  I think that to me it represents a gap in awareness of what was going on around me.  Most of what I experienced related to gaps; I wasn't clearly placing much of everything well as a child.

It's interesting considering Mike Israetel's assertion that a 1 or 2 on a scale of 10 experiences things differently.  I doubt he was experiencing that.  He looks a little unconventional now, related to being so jacked up, bald, and developing muscle on his skull.  But he looks like he's probably of average attractiveness, kind of symmetrical, and not otherwise unusual.  I don't doubt that there was more to it back then, like a weight issue, or that he could've had a look that it took time to grow into.  But it seems like that negative assessment might relate to a story he has told himself over and over, rather than an accurate assessment of a lived experience.

It's a little sad hearing a description of how some kids would have trouble with basic things, like making friends.  I think that's right.  My kids were so cute as young children, and they still struggled from time to time, in new circumstances.  I never really gave it much thought how much worse that could've been.

How to change appearance; his conclusions

I was wondering where he was going with all of this, since talking for 15 minutes about how unattractive people have it rough isn't really saying much.  People already get that.  Not the details, but they know it.

He ended by saying that anyone could become fit now, which seems right, and that people can radically change appearance through cosmetic surgery.  In a sense this last part doesn't work.  To put a context to that he suggested that someone might get significant appearance changing work done for on the order of $20,000.  That's probably right.  It wouldn't be enough to change a few different appearance issues, and a nose job and hair transplant might cost that much, but a couple of significant appearance changes could make a big difference.

It's that cost that's a concern.  Most people have no access at all to that kind of funding in their childhood or teens, and many wouldn't be able to save up that amount until their late 20s, or some never could.  It doesn't work to say that anyone could simply change appearance by the age of 30, long after they've already endured all of the problems at the main critical life phases.  I suppose for people in the wealthiest 10 to 20% a teen getting a nose job would be an option, and could seem normal.  So appearance improvement is pay to win, to use my son's manner of speaking.

I just noticed I was eating ice cream beside a cosmetic surgery clinic in Bangkok, and was surprised some basic prices were so affordable.  A nose job was about 16,000 baht, a little over $500, and liposuction right at 300.  I think that a lot of younger people probably do get those sorts of things done.  You could do cardio and improve your diet for years and never get the same results liposuction could provide, all but immediately.  They do abdominal sculpting now, including a few indentations in your fat that looks like you are starting to show abs, when it's really not that.

So maybe it works better here, to say that you can make a change?  The catch is that salaries are a lot lower; starting wages for college grads start at 15,000 per month or so, or $500 per month.  Saving up an entire month's wages could be difficult, when your budget is already stretched pretty thin.  Then again so many people have $1500 phones, so it could just come down to priorities.

There's really no way to wrap up or conclude all of this, a set of different tangents on this theme.  It's interesting how it all maps out.