Deeper lessons learned from living in a foreign country

being married in a Thai wedding ceremony

It's a familiar enough theme that significant exposure to foreign cultures broadens one's perspective, and teaches life lessons about how worldviews can differ.  I’m American, and I’ve been living in Thailand for almost all of the past 15 1/2 years. Shorter exposure to culture and perspectives elsewhere can teach us a lot, especially about our own worldview, but after a longer time really assimilating a foreign way of looking at things enables awareness of deeper levels of assumptions.

I’ve been living back in the US for 4 of the last 8 months, returning to the last place I lived, Honolulu, where my wife and I met in grad school, but that’s a different story. Maybe returning back does help with the comparison, going through reverse culture shock and re-acclimation.

Lots of trivial differences come up living abroad, which I will only sample for reference here. People eat different foods, and observe different norms related to social roles, or forms of expression. Something like tipping stands out (or not tipping restaurant servers, elsewhere), or female cleaning staff working in the men's bathroom while you use it. It will be tricky to identify what matters most, without piling up a lot of examples of how roles and communication vary, but let’s consider a few.  These examples are selected to highlight some fundamental differences, not so much how to navigate slightly different expectations, but instead how views of reality and self can radically differ.

You can’t get angry in public in Thailand; that’s different. Eventually people will, if pushed far enough in situations, and then they tend to blow up, like a bomb going off. You just can’t do that at work, not even the early stages of getting upset, like a heated meeting discussion. Of course you can in the US; crossing the wrong person is political suicide at work, but emotionally charged disagreement can be a healthy form of exchange, for sorting out people seeing next steps and background themes differently.  We're still not there related to the most fundamental defining themes, but narrowing potential range of expression is significant.  It's funny how Thai soap opera tv shows highlight this difference, with emphasis on the "blowing up" part, landing in about the same place American soap operas do.

People are less independent in Thailand, in the sense of experiencing social connections as more binding, and more a part of how they define themselves. This ties back to the anger issue; work is about a group of people coordinating shared experience, not a group of individuals working together as distinct cogs in a larger machine (although this is really a continuity, not an opposition). In the US older forms of employee training sessions geared to build teamwork were really about functionally integrating people to enable them to work together.  This works out differently in Thailand, about helping redefine self-identity, really building shared perspective.  

The same general point goes for family, about limiting individualism and independent self-definition.  You don’t move out from living with your parents as quickly or as often, even in wealthy families, where expense is not really a factor at all.  The parent-child social bond doesn't drop out to the same extent at 18 or 21; it remains a defining input for all of one's life.

Paying respect means more. That’s easy to say, but hard to define, at the level it really applies. It’s not about giving your parents something nice on Mother’s Day, instead about keeping those parents included in your life, forever. Not tied to infrequent weekend visits with grandchildren; Thai nursing homes barely exist because people would much rather take care of that older generation until the very end. Maybe it sounds better, in the sense that the connections would mean more then, and worse, in that the experience of individuality and freedom is highly valued by Americans. I suppose both judgments work.

These examples don't necessarily stem from a common underlying layer, supporting all the effects from these examples, that highlights what is really going on, what is different. Thais are Buddhist, but that changes less than these other factors. Formal religious ceremonies take other forms, and people have different reasons to “do the right thing,” but in the end it’s about the same. Actually believing in Christianity, or Buddhism, or being atheist doesn’t seem to have to change all that much to me; people can be ethical or not regardless of accepting or rejecting supernatural story lines, or more practical abstract teachings.

Fate is viewed differently, and that does change things. Let’s consider the “soul-mate” theme; if someone takes that seriously, and truly believes in it, then they also tap into and accept an underlying degree of external control acting in the world. Maybe God is doing that, or spiritual forces, or someone might accept it without even thinking it through as caused by something clearly defined. Thais go further; they would accept the soul-mate idea, and also that people have a time to die (we do; I mean a more pre-ordained version), that a job hunt should work out as it’s supposed to, that serious diseases are tied to fate as much as normal root causes (poor diet, genetic inputs, etc.), and so on. They’re more open to astrology, or ceremonial forms of making wishes, ways to interpret this external control, and ask for favors. So what does this change then?

Personal responsibility is scaled back just a little. That matters less than one might think; even in the Western atheist’s stone-cold, rational perspective external factors (bundled as luck, or just accepted as lots of individual bits) are as much a life-input as personal control. Still, to an American it can feel like Thais are only leaving one hand on the wheel, that they aren’t leaning into trying to control everything as much as waiting to see how it works out. 

It’s not just “making moves” that is reduced as a result, deeper belief in independent self-development, there is less of an emphasis on unpacking layers of external root causes we can’t normally clearly define or understand. Then again it doesn’t necessarily help Westerners, or Americans, since we never get much completely figured out, and the practical life-coaching self-help themes and content are usually more about selling material and seminars than piecing together functional sets of ideas. Studying psychology can be interesting, but in the end you don’t really reconstruct what makes you tick. Maybe you could dodge a lack or insight or awareness here or there, which is something.

It would be nice if mixing with a range of foreigners in a foreign country enabled really unpacking how a broad range of worldviews work, or if travel accomplished that. It’s not that simple. If you have a close friend from another country, from a similar or dis-similar culture, that’s going to help with working out how they see reality differently, but a two week vacation really won’t. You’ll be stuck back at how people use silverware differently, or don’t eat while walking, are more reserved in general, do or don’t queue as effectively, and so on. It seems like if you have a foreign co-worker you’re gaining a lot of insight, but really trivial differences tend to come up and stand out.  

My kids have attended two Western schools and two Thai schools, each, not counting living in the US right now, and that broad range of varying experiences covers too much ground to sample easily.

my daughter at an international school, with students from lots of different places

Being married to a foreigner should enable all sorts of depth of insight, right? It seems like it depends on the person, and the relationship. It’s all too easy to make the other person the “bad guy” when serious communication or perspective difference problems come up, because based on your own assumptions they are doing odd things, easily regarded as ignoring other’s perspective and focusing on self-interest.

Or positive differences with your life partner can be seen as cute, more superficial, or just particular to them. You need real stress, real stakes, and problems to come up to really dig down to that next level; having kids helps with all that. Little differences can seem like “deal-breakers:” should they be vaccinated, do we hit them or use time-outs, how many different activities strike the right balance, are A’s and B’s ok, or only A’s, or should focus on other range instead make getting C’s a reasonable thing, when the kids have less potential in a subject?

Other examples would keep turning up other minor differences, which might seem to imply a few really important layers of perspective differences. In the end people are really more the same than different in different cultures, since human nature covers a lot of common ground, but these smaller differences do end up meaning a lot.

Are many Asian cultures similar in broad ways; can we at least shift to considering this level or type of question? Yes and no. A lot of what I’ve covered about emphasis on social placement, defined roles, and importance of family are common across different countries in Asia, but on the surface level cultures seem quite different, to me. Japanese people are very reserved; Thais are socially open related to engaging others and seeming positive but less so related to truly sharing personal perspective; Chinese people and Koreans are more straightforward, a bit less reserved, with different rules and norms structuring how they interact across different scope.  

It was interesting visiting Shanghai with a Chinese family friend, a fellow parent at a Bangkok school who had moved back to China, how she would negotiate pricing at local markets, eventually getting angry and starting to raise her voice at the vendor, as part of the negotiation process.  I could only imagine that she blamed them for trying to take advantage of us, but I couldn't know.  Then they would settle on a fair price, and become friendly again.

Then mixing together how everyone in a country or culture only goes so far; personal differences, and differences across social levels, or in varying regions, in urban versus rural settings, etc., all factor in. This makes culture the kind of thing you unpack and sort out over years, not weeks, because every experience and highlighted difference only relates to one context and one set of inputs, related to a few people.

out of Bangkok lots of places have a smaller-town feel, familiar from my rural PA background

It’s interesting experiencing mixed-culture kids growing up trying to balance having two perspectives. My kids can “do” both, American and Thai outlook and forms of personal exchange. Before living in the US this past 8 months — we moved back to get them experience in schools here, since my son started high school, and will go to a US university later on — they were clearer on Thai perspective, even though I’ve always been a main influence on them. It makes all the difference to experience lots of examples of a cultural perspective, to interact within that medium. Media content certainly helps with passing on some Western / US perspective, but that only goes so far. It has to be lived out.

There aren’t really final “lessons learned,” or take-aways. It’s interesting how it all works out, and very complicated. Different people with claims to certain years of exposure, or having lived in different places, vary in what they’ve picked up from that. Plenty of US expats (Americans living abroad) who are married and then divorced from Thai ex-wives seem to not really ever piece together what caused all the disconnect along the way. They land on “Thais are irrational,” or deceitful, and to me the first is closer to the truth, although that’s really too simple. They see things differently, acting on different assumptions, based on different self-definition in relation to society and relationship roles. No one is really completely rational; a lot of life experience is about projecting out next steps based on hunches, about how past patterns will extend to next steps. Meaning and emotional connections settle here and there.

I suppose broad exposure to foreign cultures should make one wiser. Maybe I experienced that, but I don’t feel all that wise, for any number of different reasons. It does seem like I have a more balanced and informed worldview than many others, but I’m still working from a limited set of capabilities, so it’s only so helpful.

Pictorial samples of my own experiences

not long into it I ordained for two months, providing insight into that foreign religion

Loy Krathong; floating rafts to carry away your sins

my son was ordained as a novice monk at one point

the Bangkok Chinatown; sub-culture perspective goes with such images

again and again varying looks match common experiences more than varying perspectives

not something I'm familiar with, but this muay Thai stadium had a unique old world feel

ice skating; we did a lot of that in 2019 to 2020, when the kids took lessons

Running status update; increasing distance and intensity

 

Diamondhead, the local volcano I run around

As I see it I'm still a beginner runner, so passing on status is still about communicating how moderately developed training goes, and routine changes in that experience.  But I am up to running 15 to 20 miles per week.  My typical route is around Diamondhead, the iconic local Honolulu volcano, a 5 mile distance, with two significant hill climb sections.

Why communicate this?  Ego, I guess, the usual answer, to brag about progress.  But for people thinking of getting into running, or ramping up light training, it may be helpful.  I'm not training for races, to be clear on context, but eventually I could run one.  I just tried out extending my daily run from 8 km to 12 (5 miles to 7 1/2), so I could run a 10k easily enough, or even a half marathon (21 km), but I would have to add even longer runs to prepare for that longer race version.  For now it's not about that social exposure or the experience of testing my conditioning in a time trial.

all metric; I'm definitely not running 6 minute miles

For the longest time, for years, I kept individual run distance or weekly total very limited, at 2 miles per run, doing that three times per week.  I would add extra intensity, fast 800 meter section at the end, instead of ever adding distance.  After a couple of years I doubled that run length, but after disruption from a mild injury I dropped that, only really extending length again a year or so ago (but it's easy to lose track; maybe it was further back).  

The point here is that running for exercise can take a lot of different forms.  My earlier practice replicated what treadmill experience is like, 20 or so minutes on a set course, with potential to change intensity instead of ever adding distance.

A main challenge is increasing either distance, intensity, or frequency at my age, 54, since recovery time is a concern.  I can gradually increase demands if I'm only running about every other day, 3 to 4 times per week, but I can't foresee how getting up to a 40 or 50 mile weekly distance would ever be possible (standard marathon training, according to some).  Maybe with another year or two of gradual increase, but that pace of slow change can be hard to relate to.  But I have already experienced slow transition, over the past year, building up to 10 km runs over months, when that had been closer to a weekly total.

A hill climb input has been interesting, and challenging, changing things in relation to only running flat local routes back in Bangkok, for the 5 months prior.  I lived in Honolulu in Sept. and Oct. 2022, so this local route I started doing back then, but it was new to me.  Adjusting to that demand, normalizing the experience, and increasing pacing took weeks during this stay.  

the view on the ocean side of Diamondhead, nice and relaxing

I guess I'm recommending patience then, gradual increase in new demands.  Prior to moving back here, in March, I seemed right at the cusp of adding "speed work," a different kind of input, while experimenting with longer distance and more runs per week.  The hill experience has replaced that; I didn't get back to running shorter intervals faster just yet.

I've experienced mild injuries twice in 4 1/2 years of running, nothing too severe, but that's why I've been avoiding quicker changes in demands.  Swimming, hiking, and doing a good bit of walking here have been nice for mixing up activity exposure, which seems to help with running recovery instead of offsetting it.

Subjective experience change across the longer term experience have been interesting; I find I like running more and more, as it becomes more familiar.  Pushing the pace to put in faster than average outing times isn't so unpleasant, but my normal range has been limited, spanning 45 to 47 minutes for that nearly 8 km route.  That works out to 9 1/2 minute miles, or a half hour 5k pace, not so fast.

I was always concerned that if I ran with any sort of time tracking--I run with a phone app minding the pace now, and announcing it by km, not a version of sports watch--that I would see half the outings as failures, as slower than average, but with times in such a narrow range it kind of doesn't matter.  I run a little slower when I go out in early mornings, not being a morning person, but it's cool being out there then, so I don't mind.  Adding a short walking section at the top of the most difficult hill actually speeded up the times; I can run a little closer to failure point knowing that a 20 second recovery walk will follow that.

Where is this going, one might wonder.  Sure it can relate to "getting in shape," but with what final limit, or goal?  It's a bit abstract, but when I was younger I ran cross country and track, and ran 10k road races in the 42 to 44 minute time-frame.  It would be nice to be able to replicate that.  I was really training more for 5k distances then, and if I could run a 19 minute 5k that would match that capability.  I wasn't much of a natural distance runner, or a competitive high school racer; 17 minutes would be an ok time, much faster.  Since flat course, daily runs of 10k were at a one hour pace two months ago, which I ran 3 or 4 times a week, I could surely run at least close to a 45 minute 10k now, if not faster.  I'm just not doing races or any work-out based time trials to find out.

As with other parts of my life right now I don't know where it's headed.  I'll return to Bangkok, and to flat route running, within the next month or so.  How quickly I return to Honolulu depends on job hunting progress; maybe in July, or maybe towards the end of August, when my kids return to school.  I'm working remotely now at my Bangkok job, and it would make sense to experience that employment in local form for awhile.

If I did run a 42 or 44 minute 10k race, or decent half marathon time, I'm not sure if I'd taper off training.  Time demands versus return factor in; I'm staying in great shape for spending 3 or 4 hours a week on the hobby, including limited transit time and showering (walking a half a block to the local park).  I'm not sure that I need to be this fit for the next 20 years, that it would be helpful.

I'm not the right person to pass on first person experience with running training, because I'm just not advanced enough, but watching videos on the subject has been interesting.  I'll share some random ideas I've encountered, most of which don't draw on my own exposure all that much.  A last post about running mentions some of those video sources, but once you watch a few running videos on Youtube the algorithm will keep mentioning them, as with any subject.  I had switched over to 10k distance in February in that writing, 3 months ago, but pace isn't so different then, just a little faster, with two hill sections added to the route.

Running with different types of training shoes:  pretty much everyone further along in experience--passing on advice in videos--just assumes that people are going to own a number of different shoes for different purposes, for running longer distances or faster, shorter training sessions, for racing, with more cushioning for slower "recovery runs," and so on.  I don't recover well while running, but I get what they mean.  

I happen to own two pair, related to really wanting to try out a specific shoe, and liking the idea of alternating to offset impact (shoes really do seem to affect running form and experience just a little).  I don't have any further useful advice to add; watching a lot of review videos fills in the rest, but fair warning, it makes you want to buy any number of extra pairs.

Asics Novablast 3; pretty nice

In the reviews and commentary once in awhile sources will mention what they recommend to people asking about owning just one shoe, and they're kind about not being negative about that, but reading between the lines this marks out one divide in their minds between newbies and more serious runners.  That's fine, really; you do need to become more serious if the goal is to put in good marathon times, not so much related to buying a lot of gear, but some of that would enter in.

Training theory:  I'm not relying on much of that, but again the easily accessible and broadly oriented videos on Youtube help pass on starting points, if not more advanced and comprehensive advice.  An example:  it's best to push on to running one longer outing once a week, or week and a half, since this conditions you better than repeating the same distance over and over, or doing medium lengths plus speed work or hill climbs, or whatever else.  What "long" means would vary by person, but the 10 to 15 mile range is often referenced, and there's no reason there would need to be much of a limit.  Recovering from a 15+ mile run would seem problematic, but it seems people trained to endure routine longer distances can run "slowly" for an extended time.  

Other parts about calculating specific workout paces is fascinating, based on current maximum oxygen use capacity, heart rate, lactic threshold (how fast your body can clear carbon dioxide and lactic acid), and whatever else.  Again, watch the videos.  

The minimum "buy-in" to try out these ideas would be a sports oriented tracking watch, to keep pace clearly identified, and to monitor heart rate, main input.  There are different versions of these, so relative cost would surely vary, depending on functionality.  If I was training for a race time goal I'd be into that, but I'm not, I'm just taking fitness pursuit to an odd place.  Of course use of very functional shoes comes into play, and some recovery devices (eg. foam roller), and bumping clothing functionality comes up.  I would experience a completely different cost to run if I were going out in cooler temperate weather to run; being based in the tropics simplifies all that quite a bit.

Effect on daily life:  surely it's just better, right, more energy, increased fitness, and athletic capability?  Kind of, but I've also been describing consistently trying to increase physical demands week to week, keeping that level stable when I'm normalizing the last increase.  I've been a bit sore for a lot of the past 4 1/2 years, and pushing it more over the last year adds extra fatigue.  It's not as bad as one might expect, because if you increase it all too fast you'd be injured, so natural limits enter in, at least in middle age.  I prioritize getting decent sleep more than ever; that takes extra time.  

I don't do much to add to recovery, not using any special devices (I had a foam roller and lost it), not getting massages (although Bangkok is the ideal place for that), or eating much for supplements or special diet, and definitely not longer run energy gels for fuel intake.  Again racing would change things, training for a specific goal, instead of just to get in shape, to progress capability.

Nutrition:  an extension of the last concerns, which I'm not quite on to needing to address with special inputs, but I'm getting there.  I don't normally eat nearly enough protein to sustain vigorous exercise, the recovery part, so I've taken up addressing that on a day to day basis.  My own solutions are easy:  add protein powder drinks (a limited supplement), eat extra eggs when I notice intake drops, drink a little milk (not much), and from time to time eat a good bit of veggie protein, making up large lentil soup or chili batches or whatever else.  I take a multi-vitamin, and supplement potassium and magnesium a little, really an outcome from experimenting with fasting.  

I'm not trying to add calories, or eat any certain amount of fat, or adjust carb inputs.  I eat a lot of nuts as snack food, which is partly about that being a healthy input, and just about liking them.  Dropping out most junk food isn't related, more an outcome of seeing a high cholesterol score last health check, which may or may not be so bad in relation to proportion of good to bad cholesterol type, but still I'm trying to become healthier.  One might expect that I would become thinner, especially for experimenting with fasting a few times, but not really noticeably so.  Swimming seems to tone me up a little, and that change stands out more.

with family

In closing running interest has transitioned to a much more extensive and interesting pursuit, even for staying limited in scope in some ways.  I'm curious about my heart-rate status related to exertion, but running by effort level seems fine, for what I'm doing.

I'll keep going, bumping distance and speed over the next months, trying out new training directions.  It's going to feel like a setback going back into Bangkok heat, but at least we're leading into the rainy season now, which is hot and rainy instead of really hot.  If enough changes I'll check in here about it.